Okay here it is...the truth the ugly truth. I liked to think that I blog about my real life, that I try to keep an accurate scope of what our real life is like, so as to have a journal of the day in day out of life [good, bad, and ugly]....well as proof I really do blog 95% of all the good, fun happy things in life that we do. And I fail to document 95% of all the bad, ugly, hard things that we do and suffer through. I think to myself a lot... who really wants to read the 'pity party' of a post...from someone. Well it hit me tonight that, it doesn't matter who wants to read it or not read it...it’s my journal and I need to document the good, the bad, and the ugly just like I hoped...so it here it is ...the nitty gritty...
I'm struggling. Most days I feel like the crazy blonde in the picture above...I want to scream and pull my hair out and lock myself in a 4 hour 'time-out'...two kids and PPD is kicking my trash. Ty is going through a difficult stage again, and I am struggling so hard to find the strength and motivation to pull myself out of a rut and figure out how to 'mom' this emotional, independent as hell, three year old i have. I have been relying too much on the entertainment he gets from playing cars or watching a cartoon...because why you ask?? Cause it's EASY. Easy to let him play with his cars for hours at a time...or watch 3, 4, or even 5 episodes of little Eisenstein in a row, it’s easy to hand him my phone and let me snap pictures of anything and everything all day long, or play ninja jump. It’s easy to make Mac and cheese for the fourth day in a row for lunch, disregarding the cucumber I should peel and slice for him, or the grapes I should encourage him to eat, but I don’t right now. I write this with tears in my eyes, struggling to admit I have been a pretty crappy mom as of late. My patience is super thin, and I am quick to scold him [over things that really I should just let go...]
I don’t say these things for pity or a 'pump me up', but more for accountability and reality. I’m not perfect, I make mistakes [right now I feel like I make them 768 times a day], but I try, and I want it, I want to be better. And that has to count for something right??? It’s hard, I feel like I am watching my days go by and I am just doing the bare minimum...and I feel guilt. Lots of guilt. Guilt sucks. Guilt is a jerk. I know the mom I want to be, and I feel guilt for not being able to get myself together long enough to be that mom. In time...maybe, but it still sucks in the moment. A lot. Its hard, if it wasn't it wouldn't be great. I believe that, I believe everyone out there who is or is waiting to become a mother, loves the great things they see or know about motherhood, but I have decided what makes those things great is the 'hard' that it takes to get them. I believe this...it’s just so hard to remember and recognize every day.
I've prayed. I have prayed hard for an answer, for some comfort, for some strength and I have gotten it so many times, but right now I am in a rut. I know that I need to step back and look at this and ask myself what I need to do...and I guess that is the hard part...I know what I need to do...I just need to find the strength to do it. I need to do as one of my favorite quotes of all time goes ' get on your knees and pray, and then get on your feet and work'...It just might be that I am in for the fight of a life time. I just may have to struggle with my 'blue' days for a while longer, but I know I need to work, work harder than ever for each of my children and for my husband. I need to learn that days like the day below, spent rocking children for hours, feeding them ,cleaning for them, cooking for them, for lack of sleep because of them, for 'get up and repeat day after day' with them is HARD. HARD as it gets sometimes....but that is also what makes it GREAT?
Great, that I have the blessing of doing this, great that I am healthy enough to do this, great that I have strong healthy kids to love and protect and teach. Great, are the Lords plan and my mission on this earth?
I am a mother. I am NOT perfect. I struggle at times with motivation and am finding joy in hard things. I am learning and working on being content with who I am. I am forever learning to simplify. BUT I am a mother, and I am FOREVER and EVER PROUD of that. So, my hope in writing this, is that I can turn back to it for strength, and that at the end of the day, when I can wash the syrup out of my hair, change out of the spit up soaked shirt, and clean the pee of the floor, I will know that it IS WORTH the hard times, cause at the end of the day....that is what will make surviving through motherhood great.
this is so raw and honest I love it, you are not alone! I only have one baby and i get in ruts sometimes but you can pull out and you will! Thanks for sharing this is beautiful
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