I don't hold grudges. I remember facts.

I don't hold grudges... But I remember facts... I have had a few people ask me about this lately so I thought I would openly discuss it.

I don't hate Boston's "dad", clearly for many months there was a lot I did like about him we had a lot of great times with my family and our friends, but I do remember facts, the good ones and the bad.  I remember his bully like solution when I told him I was pregnant. I remember the fact that when I told my parents I was pregnant he was out at a party, which continued throughout my pregnancy. I remember that he stood me up for Boston's gender ultrasound appointment and I remember that when I sent his mom a picture of Boston's ultrasound she didn't respond to it for three weeks

My family is awesome and somehow they knew beforehand that would happen and they were waiting in the parking lot for me with a pink and blue balloon and told me to let go of the one I didn't need. Then I handed them the pink gum I just bought. To this day I still have that pink balloon and pink gum.

I remember the fact that it has been thrown in my face that Tonya was creeping around the hospital parking lot while I was in labor telling michael to sneak out and as disrespectful as that is to Boston and I; I honestly feel worse for her that one day she will have to answer for that.  I am not perfect, I too have done not as nice things, I have and still do refer to her as trash, I won't ever apologize for it such as I'm sure she will never apologize for sneaking around with Boston's "dad" while I was pregnant and tormenting me when I had a newborn; I remember crying myself to sleep for the first few months of Boston's life. Because  I was so sad and stressed and suffering from post-pardon syndrome and what she was doing, she did because, "she thought it was funny". I once again was not perfect and I told Bostons "dad" that I prayed he would die, I am accountable for that, but if you have ever been a mom of a newborn, you will understand that your emotions and feelings are not things you can completely control, and I later for a short time had medication that would help with that. 

On Easter Sunday after leaving my parents house I drove  Boston and myself over to her "dads" families house, I didn't tell my family I was doing this nor did I tell my lawyer since I wasn't sure if it was something I should be doing. I did it because I have always believed the more people that love my baby the better. I left  their house having no intentions of letting people know about that visit and they wouldn't have except that just hours after Tonya posted about it, yet somehow I was blamed for it and told I was doing it as part of a plan. It's a strange thing that people with heavy burdens try to turn someone else into the antagonist. 

My parents and myself remember that Boston's "dads" parents spoke very openly about them wanting my baby to be adopted. I also remember the fact that not so long ago his parent verbally assaulted me with the most demeaning words I have ever heard. Once again, I don't hate her for that because I understand wanting to protect your child, even if they are in the wrong, (it's the mamma bear inside all moms) and I truly hope she accomplished what she was after by it.

I actually kissed Bostons "dad" for the last time less than a year ago, was it anything more than a kiss? no. Do I regret it? strangely not, although I did a lot of dumb things with him I don't think that is one of them; I had to prove to myself that even though he is mychild's  biological father he is not someone for me. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, but my baby is not one of them, the only mistake is that I didn't let her be born into a home with two parents, because I wasn't being smart. 

 I remember the fact that Boston's "dad" still owes a pretty big sum on child support, we havnt recieved any for May and its the last day of the month. He has told my parents that he can pay it easily. he will just draw it out  because he can, that's not hurting just me but also my daughter. We have had to live paycheck to paycheck since she was born.  It may seem like I forced Boston's "dad" to be okay with her last name being "Bronson" but the truth is he was at the hospital, his name is on the birth certificate as her father  and be did not object in the least bit to her last name being "Bronson" he didnt care.

I try not to hold grudges, I try to let it be. But at the same time it's hard to just forget facts, especially facts that hurt and have been like daggers to my heart since they effected my baby. I spent way too many nights as a sad pregnant girl crying and wasted way too many nights as a new mom crying myself and my baby to sleep. I want to be better because of my trials; not bitter. I have had a few people, mostly those who only know false things about me ask me why I didn't have Boston go to her "dads" wedding that was just a few months after I gave birth to her; First off since she doesn't hardly know him or his family I didn't want her to be scared, second I thought it would have been completely inappropriate, and third because he didn't even ask if she could; I was the one who eventually brought it up and told him my reasons why. 

I don't hold grudges; people make mistakes; I make mistakes daily. I am working on forgiveness, which is hard, I have spoke to my bishop countless times on the matter of forgetting those facts. I have always heard that, "times heals all wounds," but I personally believe that came from someone who wasn't wounded that badly. 

I have also heard that time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them. Countless times a week my wounds get picked at when people, some I know and  some who have only heard of me, send me messages of what is said about me, or what is being done in an attempt to hurt me. I remember that after a three hour visit he got in November, my immobile baby came home with a large and unexplained bruise on her arm, with no explanation I was forced to call DSFS.  Boston's "dad" gets a small visit every few months and its coming up; I have been warned that Tonya is planning on posting about "her" baby & how much my baby looks like her "dad" and she loves being a mom". These wounds will never go away with things like this continuing to happen. If I appear to not be pumped for this visit you now know a little bit more why. If I am guarded when I meet you it's because my walls have been forced to go up and my ability to trust and see the good in all situations has been tarnished. I know my sharing my real feelings may have a backlash, you may hate it or love, you may relate to what I have been through or you may have been on an opposite side. 

The main reason I am posting is because I have recently became friends with another girl who is currently in the situation I was and what I want her to get from this is that her pregnancy should be a happy thing, it truly is a miracle, don't let bitter people spoil it for you, I wish I wouldn't have. Be proud of your growth, take baby bump pictures, post on social media the day you find out if your baby is a boy or a girl, and tell EVERYONE how excited you are; I wish I would have.

Before the messages people send me I am actually quite secure. I am honestly so happy and I love Boston more than I ever thought I could love another person. Boston knows who her family is, she knows who her parent is and she knows the family that has been there even before she was born. I'm not a grudge holder, usually in our prayers and night we pray for Boston's "dad" and thank that he helped create her, but like I said, facts are hard to forget.

XO:

Ashlynn&Boston BRONSON

Whenever things are getting me down I look at this picture... Nothing can break a mothers bond with HER baby; she is the only person who has heard my heartbeat from the inside.