Hate

Here is the truth... their are people in this world I dislike... Like, I dislike people that have lied to me, that have made people I care about sad, ya know, just shitty people in general. With that situation though within a week or two I am usually over it. And by over it I mean I'm not angry about it anymore... I might not want to see that person but what they did no longer fills me with any type of anger.

Then their is hate... For the longest time in my life I can honestly say I have never had such feelings of disgust for a person that I hated them. I always remember my parents telling me that, "Hate" is such a strong word and it shouldn't be just thrown out easily. I have always tried pretty hard to be careful how I use it... making sure to say I really dislike putting laundry away rather than saying I hate that chore.

I am known to be a quote hoarder. If their is an Instagram, Facebook or Twitter account that posts amazing quotes I am the first one to follow it. I ran across one the other day and I feel like it was put on my timeline just for me to see. It said, "Hating someone and holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." I thought about this a lot... really, a lot. I am going to use hate in the right context here... I hate having hatred in my life. In the long run me having bad feelings towards anyone isn't going to hurt that person as much as it hurts me.

A lot of people know that my pregnancy and the following year (even some of it is continuing) had some really rough times. I have never really considered myself to be that tough of a girl, if I had a problem in life my parents easily could get me out of any crisis, I finally had a situation they couldn't solve and this situation toughened me up, it toughened me up a lot more than I wish it would have. Not a lot of people know this but I have spoke to a councilor to help me get past my feelings of anger and hatred because it really isn't healthy for me or Boston. At one point I was told I need to forgive... not because people deserve forgiveness but because I deserve the peace. I can easily own up to what my worst characteristic is... I can not let things go. I'm not a calm person... if their is a fight or a crisis situation and it doesn't involve me I still usually feel the need to get riled up and voice my opinion on the matter. I have so much great in my life that it is too bad that at times I focus on the few things that aren't great.

I guess this blog post is probably confusing and I'm mostly writing it for myself but going back to the drinking poison quote... I need to stop. I need to not let my negative feelings towards someone dictate my life because it hurts me not them. So, here is the absolute trickiest part.... How? How do you let the past, when it hurt so badly, go? Can you really have a future when the past is present? I wish I was kinder, more forgiving and a lot of other things that would make my life smoother and honestly these are somethings that I severely need to work on. Basically, I need to stop drinking the poison and expecting that somehow it won't be me that it effects.

Ashlynn

FYI... this is one of the blog posts I am always nervous about posting because it is so real, it isn't me sugarcoating my life at all. It's raw and it makes me nervous sharing...