Ugly truth

The whole time I was pregnant I knew what was going on, while I was in labor I knew what was going on. I was being lied to, I was still getting kissed and comforted... I didn't want to accept it at the time. I wanted to believe that things would work out how I pictured. Its pretty well known that two weeks after I had Bost I had to be rushed by an ambulance and have an emergency operation  A big piece of placenta had been left inside of me and my system was being poisoned and I was basically bleeding to death. Right now though I am going to talk about the aftermath.

Any person who has ever had a baby will probably agree with me that after when you look in the mirror you dont even recognize yourself. This is where most women will hate what I say but it was hard none the less. When I was able to come home from the surgery I looked in the mirror and sobbed. No, I hadnt gained weight or got stretch marks.. I was hallow. I was so thin that you could see my ribs, and literally every other bone I had. I was yellow and my eye's were sunken in. I didnt have a shape. I had scabs and marks all over my body that were vitamin deficiencies because I had been so sick. Every time I would run my fingers through my once pretty hair huge chunks would just fall out. Being completely honest I have always been blessed with too much confidence, I would tell myself I looked great rolling out of bed. But these weeks it was different.

While I was going through my self loathing phase, I was trying to figure out how to be a mom, on my own, I was trying to regain my strength and health. I remember when I went to my 8 week check up to see if I was healing and getting better I cried in the Dr's office; so many memories that I had there that should have been such happy ones were spent alone and scared came back to me. My Dr. seeing that I sobbed the whole time immediately prescribed me medication you would give a mom suffering from post-pardom depression, not really understanding that there was a lot more that I was dealing with.

I had it being thrown in my face that I was alone, pictures being posted an sent to me, "because it would be funny." I hit my lowest low and made it out because I have such good friends and family. I have cried at times harder than I imagined I could and I have been so numb. Things have been done just to hurt me and see what kind of reaction I will have, I wont lie, I have a short temper, even shorter when it comes to my baby.

While I was pregnant only once did I complain online, stating that I hated being sick. Actually, most people didn't even know I was pregnant till I was almost 32 weeks along. I felt that I had to be ashamed and not mention being Sick Since I wasn't married. I made a series of bad mistakes that resulted in a beautiful blessing. I suffered the consequences tremendously and every second I spend with her I reap the reward.

I share this story because I feel like I am being drug back there. I don't want to be back there. I legitimately am happy. I love every second with my baby, I probably post way too many pictures because when it's just us, which a majority of the time it is, and she does such cute things I wish I had other people to appreciate her. Some days it feels as if I have let her down already by not letting her be born into a family. I know things could have been so much worse but I also am aware that things could have been so much better.

This is probably the most honest I will ever be about my feelings. I really am not big in talking about them. That's my story. Some of it. I have been sad, embarrassed, ashamed, depressed, worried and a lot of other things that a new mom shouldn't have to feel. But I'm not now and I'm praying I can keep it that way. When I say thank you for kind messages and thoughts i mean it because at times they have literally pulled me through.

I wish I was better at forgiveness. Whoever said time heals all wounds was obviously not wounded very badly.