Hold On

 This is actually a harder topic for me to post about but I currently have a close friend going through something close to this, along with a few other friends, and I thought it could be something I could finally talk about. Ending relationships.

No, I'm not just talking about ending a marriage and getting a divorce (although I have done that) or ending any type of thing with a man you had a baby with (checked that one off the bucket list as well) I'm just talking about any breakup... Weather it be with a fling, a serious love, a "hang out" or whatever. 

With my divorce I'm not going to lie for a while I was pretty devastated but I think the main part of that stemmed from the fact that he provided me with so much stability and I was so comfortable around him. He was my first date I ever went on and honestly when it happened I realized I didn't know how to be me without him. In less than six months time though I had a new career, a new set of friends, new hobbies, a new house, a new life and slowly but surely I moved on. I'm not saying it was a piece of cake, I still had those "what if" moments and occasionally

felt like a failure. We ended up being a rare divorce couple because we have both grown and we are happy for each other's successes in life and we empathize with each other's failures. I'm not saying we talk often but when we do it's cordial and their are no negative vibes between us.

I actually have a really really hard time talking about the few months after Boston was born. One day I found out what was going while I was pregnant, in labor and the first few weeks of her life... Even now writing this I am slightly brought back to that feeling... And when I tell you how bad it hurt I can't even explain with words how bad it physically and mentally hurt; more than hurt it made me numb. I can honestly say I didn't love Boston's 'dad but I did feel a strong connection with him after sharing the creation of a child with him along with the labor process and a plethora of other memories. I felt scared because I all-of-the-sudden had a baby, a baby I had no clue what to do with, and I was supposed to figure out what to do with her on my own (yes, I was very lucky to have family and friends who helped so much). On top of that I was dealing with post-pardom... My emotions were out of whack and my body was a mess. Since I had been so sick.. Sunken in eyes, pasty skin and you could see my rib cage... My mom said I look like I just survived the Holocaust. So, I was left alone dealing with all of the new mom stuff. In retrospect I wish the first month of Boston's life was handled better by me. I closed up and tried putting on a happy face to prove to people I was okay and capable. One particular night some very hurtful things happened... I packed up my 6 week old baby and drove over to my friend, Sam's, house and just cried. This was a big deal because prior to then I am positive he had yet to see me cry let alone breakdown like a did. He gave me some good advice and although it may seem like nothing huge it made a large impact. He told me "it WOULD get better and things would work out I just needed to let them... I needed to help them get better". So, the next day I worked on turning life around for not just me but my baby, too. She deserved a happy, driven and hopeful mom. I started working out to regain muscles; I surrounded myself with only positive people who helped me 

re-capture my genuine smiles and I realized that although their may be one hundred things wrong in my life at the time their was at least one right thing and that right thing needed her mom. I wanted to look and feel good without anyone's approval but my own. 

I have been hesitant sharing this story because it is so personal and takes me back to my more vulnerable state that I really have tried so hard to forget. I may not get exactly what you are going though at the moment but I promise I have felt something extremely similar. I know it hurts, I know you feel alone and I know it may seem like their is nothing better for you.... But, I promise there is. You may not get what you need as quickly as you anticipate but in due time good things will happen. Things will get better and they will work out, you just have to let them. 

**

Don't feel alone; even if you are. Send me an email and I promise I will get back to you quickly. For a while I lost the qualities that I liked about myself... I stopped trusting people, I focused on the negatives in people and didn't see the good, I had a girl who was subtly bullying me and it gave me anxiety; I would literally go days without sleeping and my parents basically had to force feed me. I believed that whoever it was that said "Time heals all wounds" wasn't wounded very badly. But, I was so wrong...Life gets better. I occasionally have hard days still, just like everybody else, but I also have days where lay in bed at night and my cheeks are sore from smiling so much. I am, slowly but surely, trusting more people, I am remembering and spotting the good in others and I am focusing on ignoring any bully-like behavior, no matter if it hurts. The good thing about the night is that it is always followed the dawn if we can just hold on.