My Motherhood

If I am to talk about the one thing in my life I have the most assurance in, passionate about and worked the hardest for it would easily be my motherhood. On that same note it is also the one aspect of my life that I am the most sensitive and vulnerable about. 

I didn't find out I was pregnant alone and I obviously didn't get pregnant alone. But hearing the news of it left only one of us prepared for it and pregnancy for me was a sad and lonely time. I went to Dr. appointments alone and soon it became not an alone feeling but a proud feeling that this baby was mine and I knew I could be what she needed and through all of the sad moments, the scared moments and the tears it brought me to the realization that I was stronger than I knew I was.

I will give credit where credit is due and Boston's 'dad was with me while I was in labor (although he got countless phone calls and texts from a girl at the time). During the newborn-up-all-night times it was just me and Boston. To this day if Boston needs something it is me that does it...bath time, Dr. appointments, dinner, being held, play time, finances and everything in between....

Growing up I was never sure what I wanted to do with my life... I have changed my major at Utah State a few times, put in a semester at Idaho State and even completed cosmetology school in the process. Some people would say "you need to do this" and mention something they thought I excelled in or they would say, "you were born to do that" and mention something else that I had a little skill in. Until Boston I was never really certain on "what I was born to do"... Now I realize that I was meant to be a mom, Boston's mom. I never really thought that I would be the type of woman who was defined by motherhood but it's more so as if all previous definitions have vanished. This is why my motherhood is what I am the most passionate and vulnerable about; it is by far the most time-costuming but also most rewarding thing I have put my heart in to. 

I have ALWAYS tried to treat everyone with politeness, even those who are rude to me. Not because they are nice but because I am. I actually really enjoy being nice to people...I like surprising people with cupcakes on their birthday, I like giving complements and I like looking for ways to cheer a sad or stressed out friend. My mom taught me to be kind, my dad taught me to show respect,  and my grandparents taught me "to turn the other cheek". I will never understand some people's motives, thought process, facade they put on or vindictive actions but I honestly don't know if it's something I would really ever want to understand. 

I guess at the end of the day I need to be thankful that I had good parents and good examples and I need to realize that some people didn't have those good role models. I need to realize that I have seen some really mean and toxic people and I have seen some wonderfully kind ones. I am thankful for my sweet baby, she has certainly changed me for the better. I am glad for the countless nights I do wake up and get to go hold her and sing to her as she sleeps. I am thankful that she is smart and knows who has always been there for her but I am sad she has been through so much in her two years. I may not be able to hold her up the highest but I will hold her up the longest without letting her fall. Having someone continually try to dampen or demean your motherhood is something I wouldn't  wish on anyone... but my motherhood is something I wouldn't change for the world.

XO:

Ashlynn&Boston

BRONSON