Sometimes you can't Shake it off

Anxiety; this is actually a really intimidating thing for me to post about but I was told writing about it may help with it so I wanted to share my experience. 

I have always been somewhat of an uptight person but laid back at the same time. That probably doesn't make sense... I lived with these two boys for a couple years ago and one day Sam and Dayne didn't clean the living room like I asked them to because I had people coming over. I was so mad at them. Something little like that made me uptight and angry... but on the other side I have never worried too much about a problem because I knew that my parents, sisters or friends would be able to help me solve it.

Up until the time I had Boston I had been just like that. My pregnancy was hard and spent mostly alone. Strangely enough at the time I don't remember feeling extremely stressed about it. When she was about four weeks old and I was starting to feel physically better I had the first encounter I ever had with my personal antagonist. It came in the form as a picture being sent to me; I guess during my pregnancy I had been pretty oblivious to things. I remember being at home with my four week old baby and it felt like I couldn't breath. I physically became sick, I threw up, I got a little bit shaky. I had to call my parents and ask for help. 

I found out that those are panic attacks. It really is kind of humbling and embarrassing to even write about because for the first time in my life I am having emotions that I am completely unable to control. Due to events from the same person I get them on occasions. I will call someone, any of my friends or family, and just ask them to tell me about their day, what they ate, what their favorite TV show is and why... anything, just to help me get my mind off of it. I honestly feel like I am being dramatic when I tell people about it because why is an emotion physically making me hurt? Why can't I decide my attitude? I have been depressed before, but I don't have depression but it has helped me become more empathetic to people who do have it.

Sometimes I worry that people have this misconception of me that I am strong. That I am tougher than I am. I'm actually not. I actually feel too much and having my daughter, becoming a mother, has completely amplified my emotions. I wan't to be strong, I wan't to come off like it doesn't hurt and I don't care because if not, then again people get a different opinion of me; and  sometimes others opinions can hurt, too.

Unless you didn't turn on your radio or television once during 2014 you heard, "Shake it off" by Taylor Swift. I like that song, it's got a good beat and it's catchy. But sometimes you can't just shake it off. Sometimes it's hard to not let spiteful, transparent, vindictive things get to you. 

Ashlynn