My parents had a hard time having me... And when I say a hard time I am putting that lightly. I'm not just saying they were married a little over a year and decided to try to get reproductive help but they had a lot of issues to face. That is more their story to tell and not mine but for example it was the late 80's the technology isn't like it is now. If you know my family than you know that my sisters aren't very close to my age and this is the reason why. Despite the up hill battle they faced they were able to finally have me. When I learned about their struggle to get me here I assumed I was meant to do something big with my life.
When I was in high school I got in a car accident with three of my friends. Those three were fine and they all walked away unharmed. I look back and it is a pretty lucky miracle that I made it. I was in the back seat and (since I wasn't wearing a seat-belt) collided at good speed with the dashboard. I spent time in the hospital, had a major surgery and yet to this day the repercussions of that wreck that I deal are so much less than they could have and should have been. I considered myself lucky, I considered myself blessed but beyond that the theory that I was meant to do something important struck deeper inside my thoughts.
The first bit out of high school I changed my degree a few times, changed my university and even completed cosmetology school because I never had that feeling of accomplishing what I thought I was meant to do. Now I see friends with their degree's, with their high paying jobs and I have been feeling slightly envious of their accomplishments and slightly like a big ol' failure.
I have this sign that I have had for a while that hangs in out house that reads, "SOMEDAY I WILL CHANGE THE WORLD"... And at times I get angry at myself for not accomplishing something big, for not doing anything that changes the world. I have felt like a failure for the big sacrifices and struggle my parents had to get me here, a failure for surviving that wreck with nothing to show.
The other night I snuck into Boston's room to watch her sleep and on my way in their I passed that sign. I sat next to her bed and watched her peacefully sleep, I watched her pretty long eyelashes and I watched her skinny little fingers clutch her little blanket she likes to sleep with. While I was soaking it in it hit me like a ton of bricks that I made her... SHE is my big accomplishment that I always knew I was meant to have. I am not a Doctor., I probably will never cure any type of disease, win a Pulitzer Prize or save mankind but I made an amazing little person, I am raising one. I am a mom. I am HER mom. That is what I was meant to do and I literally can't think of anything greater or more meaningful for me to have accomplished in my life.
If by chance I left this earth tomorrow I will know that I changed the world, that I made it better, because of her.
If by chance I left this earth tomorrow I will know that I changed the world, that I made it better, because of her.
XO:
Ashlynn
I still get upset and make myself sick when I think about that day... And I thank God on a regular basis that you're alive and that you've had the opportunity to become an amazing mom!!
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