It's midnight and Boston has been snoozing away for a bit while I have been watching reruns of some of my favorite shows and painting my nails. I can't sleep tonight because we have some big stuff coming up. Since it is summer for the first time Boston will have to have a little longer extended parenting time visit with her 'dad, Michael. This is a two week visit, which is a very long time for any three year old to be away from their home and their mamma. One thing I have always admired about Michael is that he is a hard worker so while he is at work some of the time our daughter will be with me, which is very comforting, and we will see how the situation turns out from there. I understand that for him this situation is probably a fun new experience, a vacation probably. But for a three year old, who is used to being with just mamma at her home this will be something different. And like I said at one point being a mom is scary because part of you, the part you care about and love the most is walking around outside your body and when that part isn't with you it hurts; it hurts really bad.
I have been saying extra prayers every day and night hoping that it turns out okay (Let Go and Let God, right?). For the past few years he has only been with her six times a year and honestly hasn't spent that much time with her so this is a big change. I have wrote up almost a three page list of her schedule, things she likes, food she likes and doesn't like, medications she takes, along with everything else I can think of to help the situation). I also know that Boston really likes his brother, Ryan, a lot and it will be fun for her to spend some time around him. I know that it will be hard on me, I honestly can admit that I don't know what to do with down time or without her, actually my heart hurts just thinking about it right now so if you can send positive thoughts and add us in your prayers we will appreciate it. The hardest part for me will be knowing that she will be sad, not all of the time, he is a fun person, but she is little and is used to one thing and this isn't it. I have been telling her this week that she is going to spend some time with him and I have been trying to make it as fun sounding as possible for her sake. I think my only goal in life the last few years is that my daughter is happy. I know some parents leave their children and it's easy for them, I just am not one of those parents. I miss her when I am at work or even when she is just napping.
I am glad that he is making an effort to be in her life more but at the same time it is frustrating. I would be lying if I didn't admit that. I have been the one to wake up with her every night while she was younger, I changed nearly every diaper, I have been puked and pooped on more times than I can count, I did all of the potty training, I have handled almost all of the tempertantrums, made sure she had a wonderful baby blessing attended by those who loved her the most and now that she is a little older and more fun it is time to come swoop in is personally what it feels like. Obviously, those tired, bodily function filled moments don't feel me with regret because I think that is part of how Boston and I grew so close but they were all the harder moments that I did alone. I conquered those moments alone, I tend to pat myself on the back for that before I jolt myself back to reality and remind myself that although I did that by myself for my daughter I didn't create her alone. She has two parents. I think my bond with her will always be different that his with hers but I know that he loves her as well. For a long time I thought I hated him but than I realized that she is the most important person in the world to me and for me to hate him would be hating half of her. It is frustrating that sometimes a third party has a hard time accepting that Boston has two parents that need to get along and have a civil and healthy relationship but I have come to realize it is best for me to not respond to it and just let the law help fight that battle for me.
Two weeks... I can get thru this, right? She can get thru it. It isn't like I wont see her and she wont see me for that length of time and I do have a few fun activities planned for myself. It's not today though, today we have swimming planned for ourselves and more fun for the next few days. As soon as it is over we can get back to our normal routine until then send us with good, happy thoughts.
XO:
Ashlynn&Boston
BRONSON
This is the little song from one of her favorite shows that we have been singing to prep her for this.
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