Today has been a nightmare. I have cried most of the day. To begin with I will never apologize for what I said about Mike's other children to his wife... the things she has said about my daughter are far more hurtful. The thing I feel bad about is that my parents raised me better than to attack someone even if they hurt you. If anything I could apologize to them and that would be the end of it. The special needs comment was uncalled for on my part. I specifically did not say they look special needs. I said people ask me if they are all the time. This has nothing to do with a helmet one daughter wears on her head because truthfully I have never even seen a picture of this. On this subject I am DEEPLY hurt that she has the audacity to say that I am mean to special needs people... I have worked with the same company for six years helping people like this with their daily lives and I love every second of it. One of the individuals doesn't even think I work there but that we are just friends and I love that she has that bond with me. Truthfully, in all honesty, they are babies they have done nothing wrong, except when my daughter comes home from her occasional visit to her dads house and she asks why dad only likes the babies and not her. I cry when she say's Tonya yells at her when the babies are sleeping, I cry that she doesn't love leaving to go there, not because Mike is a bad person but because she is three and he isn't home. I did say my daughter is prettier but you would be lying if you if you didn't think your child is cuter than someone else's. I am glad Tonya is finally feeling what, "mama bear' feelings feel like as I have been feeling them for years watching my daughter be a pawn in her game. When I went without food and other items so that I could buy the medicine my daughter needed because she insisted on him buying her expensive clothes... that was when things really became personal. And for her to insinuate that I text him at all hours is a joke. I text when it is about our daughter and that is it... Actually, I make a point to not do it late.
I have had her friends say that I am jealous of her and I just need to get over it. To solidify your responses... I am completely over Michael. He has some qualities that I think are great, he is a hard worker and I am proud that my daughters dad is doing so well in his occupation. What I am not over is that my child isn't being treated like she should be by him. In May he took me to court for full custody... which was so strange since if he truly loved his daughter he wouldn't want to take her away from her home. I still have full custody but now he is able to see her every other weekend and every Wednesday, which he gave up his Wednesdays, and he usually tries to give her back to me early on Sunday's. I let him give up his Wednesday visits with the condition that he answers her facetime calls once a week.
To those say I need to get over it... how dare you. I don't tell you how to feel about the low points of your lives and you shouldn't either. No single person knows this but one particular night I was holding my newborn baby and pictures kept getting sent to me of the father of my child partying and hooking up with the other girl, acting if my daughter was a joke to him. I have gone through some tragic moments in my life but at the time I don't think anything hurt so bad... It wan't me being made a fool of but my baby. I remember contemplating if my existence was even important in Boston's life and wondering if I wanted to live. For the first and only time in my life my once happy self was thinking suicide could be the only way out. I even had the idea of how to do to cause the least amount of hurt to my family. I avoid big emotions like this, I cover up my hurt with sarcasm, I actually have never told a soul about that night. If you were to ask my own mother who I am very close with she will tell you it has been years since she has seen me cry. I have slowly become less religious over the last few years but I know I was being watched over by my dad that night and prayers are real. I bucked up and 'put on my big girl panties' and decided that if I am the only parent that steps up for her I am going to be the best one I can be. All the while this other woman was laughing at the situation and antagonizing it.
At this time in my life I don't feel sad I am not with him I feel sad that my daughter isn't getting attention from him. I never said we were married, I never said we were exclusive, although at the time I didn't know so many other women were in his life. I just wanted the help and respect any woman would want from the father of her child. I wanted to not show up to Dr. appointments alone and having to feel ashamed. I have hurt and cried many nights to sleep but you better damn well believe my daughter hasn't seen that; her life is great as far as she knows.
My situation isn't ideal... I made choices that weren't the best and I have dealt with them but being a single mom shouldn't be this hard. To all of you whom have received disturbing messages from her today I am beyond sorry, just like I am when she messages my family. I never thought I would encounter someone so manipulative and just mean, not to throw all the blame on others, I have had my share of unkind moments as well. And to all of you just tuning in for the drama... this is my life day to day... it's not too fun and I really do prefer the vanilla over it.
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