If you are shaking your head and asking why I said those two words that usually are considered good words than let me explain why.....
I love happiness, who doesn't... I love consistency... it's a nice feeling... but for me those two feelings have never really lasted. PLEASE don't take this as a pity party post, my life has been great, better than I deserve most of the time. But when something(one) comes along offering me those two qualities I run from it, I push them away. It's easier to hurt someone before they hurt you... It's easier to run from someone before they run from you. I have been told that sometimes I am emotionally detached from a lot of people and may seem cold. I actually got told once that talking to me is a like talking to a brick wall.
I think that's my biggest downfall and one I just can't get away from. I have friends, my moms friends, my sisters, their friends and other people try to set me up with someone. I remind them I don't need help finding a date ( that could have easily been one of the most confidence/cocky thing I have said to date but I really didn't mean it that way). I always say no to them trying to help but for other reasons.
I made a goal a long time ago to not type about whom I date, or whom I spend time with of the male gender and I have done pretty good at sticking to my guns on that aspect. I'm not sure why but a lot of people find it intriguing of what I do when I'm not glued to Boston. Out of respect for my daughter I only introduce her to a man if it begins to get more serious or he is a really good friend... I never want to be the type of mom who brings men in and out of her life; that is not healthy for her.
So, back to the topic of why consistency and happiness and my lack of being involved in them rather that running from I will explain why. Happiness is so good so is consistency but really in my life those are two things that never last for an extended period of time. Do you know what I believes hurt worse than never experiencing those two emotions....? Having them taken away from you. Just imagine you had never tried chocolate (my favorite food group). You would wonder what it was like and everyone would rave about it but it would hurt as bad because you wouldn't know what you were missing out on. Now, new scenario... Imagine you had chocolate, every day, for a few years of your life. And, I don't just mean M&M's but a dang good kind. So, you are used to chocolate and it's so good but one day it's not there any longer. One day the chocolate that consistently made you happy is gone. I imagine that is the harder feeling of the two.
Alfred Lord Tennyson once said, "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." And, I am going to have to respectfully disagree with his theory. I never wanted the world to change me but, unfortunately, like most people in this world, it has.
I guess this is my early morning Sunday thought... those are two of the words that make me run away faster that I should from good situations. Sometimes it is just easier to just feel noting at all. I get messages and people usually give me a plethora of good advice so if you have advice you can share with this mamma send it my way.
XO:
Ashlynn
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