Lose-lose situation

I'm in a rut. I feel as if I let things continue how they have been, if I get walked all over and rules not followed I lose. I feel as if I have a backbone and finally stand up for myself, once again, I lose. The entire time I was pregnant was a hard time for me... I was alone, I was sad, I was sick... I kept it all in, every single ounce of hurt I felt I kept to myself. No one even had the slightest amount of clue all of the pain I was experiencing. I would cry myself to sleep nightly, I sat in my daughters room when I was eight months pregnant putting away the baby clothes I had just got from her shower, wanting to feel the excitement and happiness other mothers got to feel and share, with tears running down my face feeling helpless and alone and the next day put on a happy face for the world. The face of a girl who was strong enough to handle the difficult situation she put herself in. People later told me I was a strong woman.... but I wasn't stong, I wasn't winning, I was sad and I was miserable. 

Lately, I have changed and decided I didn't need to keep my sad and angry feelings to myself. I didn't need to let myself get bullied, I didn't need to be okay with what was happening to me and just take it so I expressed myself, I fought back... but I wasn't winning then either. I was sad and confused again.

To get this out there Boston is three. She has had an amazing three years so far in her life. I have done my very best to raise her, give her literally everything I am capable of, and making sure she is surrounded by so much love and positive influences. The last few years of my life have been very different than hers. I have put on my strong face to show the world, which is apparently is the only face of mine the world accepts, but deep down I have hurt. A lot. 

Do I get walked all over, bullied, yelled at in front of my daughter, flipped off, treated poorly and take it, not allowing anyone to even try to understand or do I take a stand and stick up for myself and risk being labeled terrible things? I agreed to certain stipulations and I agreed to court to make things go smoother, for not just me but for my baby and I just wish court rules could be followed. It is just a lose/lose situation and it hurts. My baby, the one and only thing I have put my entire heart into for three plus years, the one thing that has given me a purpose and made me feel like I am worth it. This is my baby, not a toy, not a weapon... and I wish she could be treated differently because it will end up being a lose/lose situation for her as well.

I have always tended to be somewhat selfish... concerning myself mainly on what makes me happy and only me happy. That changed when I became a mom. This is mushy and this is cliche but when I first held my tiny little brown eyed baby I knew without a doubt that I would do everything in my power to never let her hurt. My heart breaks every daily that I have had to realize that I can not stop her every heartbreak, I cant fix her every tear and because of the situation I helped her be born into her life will be filled with harder moments than a child deserves. I witnessed just the start of this last Friday while my child screamed, cried and clinged on to me and I had to let her go all while getting yelled at and it is an image that I will never be able to get out of my head.

I let myself post a lot more personal things in this than I probably should have but lately my heart is breaking. My heart honestly has hurt, physically hurt. I guess my coping mechanism is writing, (over)sharing, asking for advice and putting it out there. Some people shop, drink, or do whatever to heal, I do this. I have spoke to a councilor and the things that Michael put me thru (and I will take blame I also said unkind things towards him), I have dealt with and come to terms with. I will also never ever speak negatively about him in front of my daughter or over social media and I encourage you to do the same. I would be sick to my stomach if anyone were to speak bad about my parent to me and I will tolerate my own baby have to deal with that.

 This new kind of hurt is unbearable and I would easily take throwing up, being sick, alone and pregnant over this new pain any day. I heard once that not every story has a happy ending but it doesn't mean that their weren't good parts... that is how I have been feeling lately and it is hard. So hard. I have prayed and prayed to make the hard times end and for a person to stop being so cruel and I fear I am losing my faith because an answer eludes me. I wan't to be a normal mom... Just like every other mom I see. If you are a mom I imagine you get it. I want to enjoy my time with my daughter, I love our special bond, I want that not to be made into something insignificant or diminished. When I post pictures of her I do it because I love her so much it feels like my heart my burst and I want to share a piece of her with others. I don't post with the intention of breaking someone else. I either fight back or I get walked all over.... It is and has been a lose/lose situation and I am feeling like that is just the way it is. I need something to believe in. Some sort of reassurance that karma will happen and that things will work out for the best.

Ashlynn

I would like to say that yesterday I received some of the kindest and most sincere messages from people, some even strangers to me but not to another person, and that got me thru the day. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. You reaching out to me was one of the best and encouraging gifts I could have ever received.