Inner Peace

Boston's 'dad get two two week visits with her during the year. Where he doesn't live as close they are both in the summer so she doesn't miss school. Now for me and my daughter this is a good and bad thing. It's hard on her being away from home, her mom, her family, and everything she is familiar with. But, at the same time I am happy her 'dad is now giving her the opportunity to know him. 

Things between her 'dad and I are calm considering the situation, but better than they have been in the past. 

I guess I want to tell you about my childhood... My sisters were a bit older than me so we never shared toys because our age gap made us not want the same thing. What was mine was mine, I didn't share. They both moved out and it was just my parents and I for a long time. I was the only child at home so their were never fights over what show to watch or where to sit on the couch. I didn't really have to share. 

The first four years of Boston's life she was just mine. I felt her first kicks, I gave birth to her, I woke up with her when she woke up so many times at night.... And I loved it. She needed me and it gave me such a purpose. I also should point out I am not referencing her as an object and my family did help me so much. When her 'dad moved back from Hawaii be began to see her a little more. It was a hard change but a good one having her get to know him. He can be a good man and sharing your daughter with the other parent is hard but worth it. It is hard on me to share who was once and mostly just mine... There were times when she wasn't with me that I sobbed myself to sleep missing my baby, which is hard for me to publically admit. I have heard people say that their heart literally hurts and I didn't truly believe that saying until it happened to me.

We are almost halfway through his visit and she can come home. I talked to her and she seemed well. I actually have been doing okay... I have been able to put in extra hours at my job, go running a lot, which I love, deep clean the entire house and redecorate. I have prayed (even though it's not really my thing I have turned to it) and I have felt at peace... Until tonight.... I am not going to write about them but some things were sent to me that shouldn't be happening and are also misleading. If I sound like a terrible person for saying their is a special place in hell for people who antagonize situations like this I am sorry.  I was feeling frustrated, defeated and heartbroken when a friend must have sensed my hopelessness and sent me the quote, "Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." I needed that. I needed it more than I can put into words. 

Things will work out, my baby will be in my arms soon and I have learned that I don't have to accept something I am not okay with and actions are being taken already to fix the situation. 

Being positive sucks. It sucks big time. But, sometimes in the moment that's all you can do. My heart hurts missing my girl but like my mom always told me, "this too shall pass".... Their are a lot worse things that have happened in the world today so my problem seams so trivial. If you are the type of person to send good quotes, vibes or prayers send them my way.