running away from pain/ chasing pleasure

There are two types of people in this world... those chasing pleasure and those running away from pain.... 

First off I didn't make that quote up I heard it off of a clip for a movie that I have never even watched. But, it has been in my head the last while. I like it. I began to wonder am I running away from pain or am I chasing pleasure? 

I have had inner-discussions trying to decide what of the two types of people I was. I have been hurt. Who hasn't. (I purpossly made that without a question make because it isn't a question but a fact). But, I don't think of myself as in pain still. I tried to think of what my pleasure would be that I am chasing was and I couldn't figure it out. The other day my co-worker, Tori, asked me point blank, "Besides Boston what makes you happy?" I didn't know. I mean... I like candy, I enjoy the summer time and I love my family. But, besides my daughter what is it in this world that makes me truly happy? I don't know.

I'm lost on that and I am still trying to figure that out. What would be my pleasure that I could chase? What is it I wan't? What is my goal? I genuinely don't know. 

Boston had a visit with her dad that comes to an end tomorrow at five. My heart has physically hurt without her. The one thing I can say without any hesitation that bring me more happiness that I deserve has been without me. Although it was a short time it was a hard time. During this time I could have chose to chase pleasure. I didn't. I could have chose to run from any of the pain of missing her. I didn't. I just... survived. I wen't through the motions of the day, just trying to fill time, to get by. I was with my mom today and she asked about getting her back and other questions about her getting to come home and I told my mom, like I have told every other person who has brought her up in this time frame, that I just prefer to not talk about it. I don't want to be sad. I prefer to block it out. I made my own prison. I was even told on occasion that talking to me sometimes is, "like talking to a damn brick wall." And, I didn't mind that somewhat of an insult. Sometimes emotions don't make things easier... blocking it out does. So,  I became good at pretending I was happy. I became so good that after a while I fooled myself.

I try to block things out but the problem with blocking it out is that is something that I have become used to. I don't like the emotions. I have become cold. I don't chase the pleasure and no more running from pain. I am stuck and I have made myself comfortable there. I don't have a goal I guess. Nothing holding me back and nothing to run to. It is easier to be stuck... if that even makes sense. 

I guess this whole post could probably sound strange and to most people who read it I am sure it could not make a lot of sense. But, I wrote it because I hope someone out there who reads this and feels like they are stuck between the chasing the pleasure running from pain scenario and have just decided to make themselves numbly comfortable relate and that I can find what my happiness, besides Boston is, to chase. Because Lord knows I make too much of my happiness dependent on her. 

Late night thoughts I guess... tomorrow my brown eyed baby will be back home reading our story and reciting the words of, "I Love You to the Moon and Back" to each other like we have been for the past four years. Until then I guess I will stay in the middle hoping to figure what I need to do to find my pleasure and finally chase it. And from the wise words of the Eagles, "Some dance to remember, some dance to forget"...I need to figure out what I am dancing for.

-
Ashlynn

*sidenote I am writing this ad midnight... if I have a huge error in spelling or any grammatical errors... please know that for the first time I genuinely don't give a shit and I am writing this for me and using my blog as my public journal.  I guess for me being honest about my life, the good, the bad, the pain and the numbness is what makes me invincible.